THE ORGASM GAP: WHY WE NEED TO TALK MORE ABOUT FEMALE PLEASURE

The newly released third series of Netflix’s critically (and publically) acclaimed Sex Education starts off with a sex montage - what else would we expect? However, in amongst the sex montage, primary plot lines and fall out of last season’s drama there lies an understated but vitally important moment.

Dex, a recurring character in the show, is seen having a frank conversation with a girl he is having sex with. He exclaims “That was so great!” which is met with her reply “It was okay. I didn't come though”. She goes on to say “maybe do some research” when asked what other guys did differently to make her orgasm.

The show has often been praised for its raw and honest depiction of important topics surrounding sex, adolescence and relationships, and this storyline is no exception. What Sex Education is showing here is the orgasm gap in action.

If you’ve never heard of the orgasm gap before, it can sound like a really intimidating and scary concept. If you don’t know what it means, the orgasm gap essentially refers to the large difference in the number of orgasms heterosexual women have compared to heterosexual men.

Forbes refers to a study completed by researchers at the Archives of Sexual Behavior and states that “95% said they [heterosexual men] usually or always climax. 65% of heterosexual women said they usually or always orgasm, the lowest of all of the demographics studied.”

This statistic clearly shows the huge disparity int eh number of heterosexual men reaching orgasm comapred to hetersexual women. What may seem like a shocking statistic can be understood when we delve into the cultural and societal discourses at play here.

There is a major lack of social discourse around female pleasure. Pleasure, specifically female pleasure, is often pushed to the background, if present at all, during sex education. Sex education, in my experience, tends to focus on issues such as STIs and pregnancy. These issues are vitally important, but so is the topic of pleasure. 

If we continue to leave out the topic of pleasure from sex education, the concept of sex becomes mechanical, clinical and shameful. It makes people feel shameful for feeling pleasure from sex, especially those with vulvas who are continually left out of the discourse surrounding sexual pleasure.

The discourse we have around sex usually focuses on male pleasure. In order to start closing the orgasm gap, we need to start talking more about female pleasure and create spaces that are willing to hold raw and honest discussions on this topic. By doing this, we can decrease the amount of shame attached to female pleasure while also increasing knowledge and education about this topic.

Along with more discussion around female pleasure, the way society thinks about sex needs a huge shift if we are to close the orgasm gap. 

A survey conducted by Durex states that “more than half of women chose clitoral stimulation” as the best way to make women orgasm. Durex goes on to say that, according to the research they conducted, “only 20% of women can reach orgasm through vaginal penetration”. These facts illuminate a larger cultural issue that places penetrative sex on a pedastal even though the majority of women cannot reach orgasm this way.

These statistics open up vital questions that we need to consider when thinking about female pleasure. If 80% of women cannot orgasm from vaginal penetration, why do we still consider this type of sex as the ‘main’ type of sex? If the majority of people with vulvas don’t orgasm from penetration, then why does society place penetration so highly and deem it as the primary form of sex or, in some situations, the only valid form of sex?

Laurie Mintz for Psychology Today says that “culturally, we overvalue penetrative sex.” This quote speaks of a societal and cultural tendency that deems penetrative sex as the only type of sex and places it at a higher vlaue than other forms of sex. As Mintz states, a lot of emphasis is placed on penetrative sex as the primary and only acceptable form of sex. 

All we need to do is think about what type of sex would usually count as ‘losing your viginity’ (an already patriarchal concept) to know what kind of sex is valued by society — penetrative sex. Oral sex, for example, does not typically count as ‘losing your virginity’ in society’s eyes, even though ‘losing your virginity’ can mean whatever you want it to mean. 

Oral sex is usually considered as foreplay — the bit that happens before the ‘main’ part of sex and is just an act that leads up to it — even though it should be held in equal value to penetration. Even though society focuses on penetrative sex as the ‘primary’ form of sex, for heterosexual women penetration often misses the mark when it comes to reaching orgasm.

In order to close the orgasm gap, we need to see a de-priortisation of penetrative sex as the ‘main’ form of sex. Mintz succinctly sums this up by saying “so, to close the orgasm gap, we have to hold clitoral stimulation and penetration as equal”. 

All forms of sex are just as valid as one another and by taking penetrative sex down from its cultural pedastal, and by intead placing equal value on clitoral stimualtion and other forms of sex, the orgasm gap may begin to close.

We need to listen to those with vaginas when they say that vaginal penetration does not make them orgasm. Obviously, every individual and their sexual preferences are different. However, when 80% of women say they cannot orgasm from penetration (according to Durex’s survey) the issue of the orgasm gap becomes a cultural question. This isn’t to say that penetrative sex can’t be amazing, but simply to bring light to the fact that the majority of people with vaginas can’t orgasm from it. 

By placing equal value on all forms of sex, and by increasing education and discourse about female pleasure, we can tackle the gap between the number of orgasms of heterosexual men and women. This will also help create a sex-positive environment that celebrates female pleasure instead of shaming it. 

Increased discourse around female pleasure could help create a healthier relationship with sex, one that doesn’t only focus on male pleasure but instead takes the pleasure of both parties into account.